A year ago today I sat down and wrote out my feelings for the first time. As many of you know my memory is really bad...I can barely remember what happened last week, let alone a year or more ago. But, I have found that the memories of last year at this time are very sharp.
I remember sitting in my hotel room after everyone had gone to bed and feeling unable to shut my own brain down for some rest. My parents were in the room next to me. I was sitting at the computer reading newspapers, facebook posts, and trying to make some sense of it all.
Here's what I wrote:
The Things He'll Miss
So I just read Schuyler's obituary on the online version of the Kewanee paper. (www.starcourier.com). The other folks in the section were older people. That made me start thinking about the things he didn't get to in his life.
It makes me sad that Schuyler didn't get to come home, get married, and have babies. I know he wanted to, and that makes it all the sadder. Most guys at 25 aren't ready for that, or even if they are, they're not going to talk about it. Sky talked about it. We talked on IM and he was right out there with it. I know he would've been a great Dad too. He had a good example to follow. I know my brother has made mistakes (gee...who's not in THAT line???) but he's a good Dad. He loves Amber, Sky, and Seth fiercely, and without any reservations he shows them and tells them. That in itself is more than a lot of parents can provide to their kids.
So, tonight as I go to bed, I have to admit that I'm kinda pissed. I'm pissed that Sky didn't have the time that those other folks on the obit page got. I know that life's not fair (that's a Dan Patch original speech, that we've all heard at least once), but I'm still pissed about it. He didn't get to grow old and do all of the things that he should've been able to do.
So, for you, Schuyler, I am going to try and remember this night. I'm going to try very hard to remember how sad and pissed I feel. I'm going to try and LIVE my life like there's no tomorrow. I'm going to love my husband and my kids and be THANKFUL that I got the time in life to have those experiences. I know that time is going to go by and I may have days that I forget what a gift that day is, but for you I am going to TRY to be thankful for each day that I get to have more life opportunities.
Well, a year later, I DO REMEMBER. I remember that night...I remember feeling so mad...so angry...and so confused. I remember despair...the despair I felt after each day was done and I was alone and finally being able to let those feelings out a little...that break from being one of the strong ones.
I think I'm different now...a year later. I really do think that I'm trying to live a more grateful life. Not always, but I'm trying...I'm trying to enjoy what it is that I have...these beautiful kids...this wonderful husband...the friends and family that can move mountains with their love. I'm trying to be grateful and live with purpose. I'm trying....
The writing is so helpful for me. I love getting it all out there....I NEED to get it out! A lot of people gave me positive feedback when I first started writing those notes on Facebook a year ago. That fueled me to continue to some degree, but most of all the fuel came from the satisfaction and relief I got after writing. Now the Facebook notes have expanded into a blog. Blogging gives me peace and perspective...it's also a great outlet for my ramblings!
Remember...you never know what the next 5 minutes of your life holds, let alone tomorrow, next week, or next month. Life is what happens while we're busy making other plans. Get out there, and life a grateful life, full of passion and purpose!
Thanks for teaching me that, Schuyler....I love you.