Monday, February 15, 2010

How Is This Gonna Work?

Rarely do I worry about how something is going to work. Usually I just let the chips fall where they may and it works out how it works out.

The next 10 days are an exception.....

See, I can't help but wonder how these next 10 days are gonna work. This Wednesday, 2/17, would've been Schuyler's 26th birthday. One week after that is the day he was killed in action (KIA) in Afghanistan.

How's this gonna work?

I wonder how John is going to handle the next 10 days....I wonder how Amber will handle it. Hell, I even wonder how I'm gonna handle it. My Dad and 2 brothers are together in Palm Springs, so although I wonder how it's gonna work for them, I feel comfort in that they are together, so they can share the burdens with one another.

See, that's how we do it in this family of mine. You lean on one another. When Schuyler died, all anyone could process is WHO CAN GET THERE to be with John. As it turned out, Dave and I were the first siblings on the scene. That's how we do it in this family...there is no divide and's more of a group effort. Band together and help each other get through it.

I am on the fence right now...should I drive up there for the 17th, the 24th, both, or none? The only one that seems like an unlikely answer is none. The rest....well, I just don't know. I know Dave, Jeff, and Dad would probably appreciate and feel a bit better if the answer was at least one of the two, and more so if I chose both. Unfortunately, I'm not sure about John...and he's really the one that I'm most worried about. Schuyler's birthday is a celebration, but the day he died stirs up so many memories, so many emotions. The phone calls, the details filtering in, the questions, the pain...the unimaginable gut wrenching pain.

So, I sit with one more day to figure this out...17, 24, or both? I want to be there for John and Amber for whatever they need from me. If they need someone to listen, someone to get the Kleenex, or someone to get another round of shots....I want to fulfill that need. I guess for me, fulfilling their needs fulfills mine in some strange, family matriarch way. I see helping them as a way to honor Schuyler and help myself at the same time.


I'll let ya know what I come up with.


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