...and time marches on...

One year ago this weekend I made an impromptu trip to visit my parents. My brother and his family ended up joining us...my niece and her family came too. It was a house full of craziness...there was laughter, stories, a few tears of remembrance, but lots of fun. Lots of fun.

Towards the end of that weekend Mom wasn't feeling well. She said that she was getting a bladder infection and would call her doctor Monday. We had a great weekend with lots of fun, but we all knew she wasn't feeling great as the weekend wound down. She didn't want us to leave early and let her rest, as most of us figured the house full of people plus 4 kids under the age of 8 was probably wearing thin on her nerves. She would hear none of it...nobody was leaving early...she was fine.

Well, in less than a week...she was gone.

I wonder if maybe she knew that her time was near. Maybe she knew so she wanted us to stay so that she could squeeze the last bit of time together out into some wonderful memories. Maybe she had been feeling bad for a while and knew that it was getting worse and that she didn't have much time left. Hard to say really...my Mom was a tough gal and if she said her pain was a "5" that would probably have been more like a "10" for you and I.

There are things about that weekend I cannot change. I can't change that I didn't go a day earlier or stay a day longer. I can wish that I would've, but I can't change it. I was there when I was there.

I can't change that I didn't stick around and try to convince her to go to the doctor Monday instead of waiting a few days. And, the fact is, maybe I would've TRIED, but my Mom was pretty stubborn, so if she called the doc and felt that was enough, that would've been the end of that discussion. Then instead of regret maybe I'd be feeling anger at her for not going in to see him instead of calling.

I wish I would've hugged her a little longer when we said our "Goodbyes" as the kids and I prepared to head south. I know I hugged her, and I know I told her that I loved her. I remember watching her and Dad as we pulled away and worrying about Dad. He hadn't been the best that weekend and I was worried about him. Little did I know that the glimpse back at the two of them was the last time I'd see her alive.

So, as I reflect on the one year mark of seeing my Mom for the last time, I remember her and all that she taught me. I hope that I can teach Avery & Drake lessons that Mom passed on to me. I hope that wherever she is she knows that I think about her every day. This family reunion is not going to be the same without her there. She will be all around us in spirit, but her physical presence will be missed greatly.

I am healing...I am grieving. I am not done with either, but I am better. I think of her every day and don't always shed a tear. I miss her horribly and realize now that those feelings are part of my daily reality. I will never have a day that I don't miss her, but it is OK to miss her and remember her with happiness. The happiness of having her with me for those years...there is sadness that our time wasn't longer, but I am trying to focus on being happy for the time we DID have and not dwell on the time we didn't.

I miss you Mom, and I'll love you always.

Going Home....

Thursday I packed up the kids and the dog and headed north...it was time for a visit to Dad's place. I hadn't seen him since March when he stopped here on his way back home after "wintering" in California. I hadn't been here to his house since October.

Over 1/2 of a year since I had been here....

Walking in the door it hit me...Mom isn't here and she's not going to be. But...she's everywhere here. I'm not sure if that is comforting or uncomfortable, honestly.

Some moments it's comforting...I see her things, the stuff she bought to decorate this house...she's here. The familiar-ness of it is comforting. Sometimes.

Then there's the uncomfortable moments. Her things...her decor. It's uncomfortable because she's not here and those things are a constant reminder that she is not coming back. Doing the things that we did with her...taking a golf cart ride, treating the kids to ice cream, going to the old button factory to look for shells with the button popped out....those things again remind me that she's gone. Gone.

Then I see the changes in the house. Nothing huge, but small changes that my Dad has made since losing his mate on 7/4/09. Her closets are empty...her things are gone from underneath the sink. The deck boxes have flowers, but every time I glance at them I know she's up there bitching about how pitiful they look! The baskets around the yard are the same...planted, but so sparsely that I'm sure she's disgusted.

Then I see the changes in my Dad. In a little over 2 weeks he's going to be 80 years old. He normally gets around pretty well and can do most things for himself.

This time it's different. His leg is bothering him...he's been seeing a chiro, but nothing is really working. It seems to be a muscular issue, but the treatments aren't helping and he's sitting more and more. Even sitting is painful. Watching that is painful.

Dad loves being on the water. But now Dad can't get down to the beach to take his boat out. And, if he CAN get down there, he can't tilt the motor up and out of the water once he gets back to shore. My brother found a guy that can put an automatic trim on the motor to lift it out. I think we've talked Dad into getting that done so that he can enjoy his boat again...that is, on the days that his leg isn't bothering him too bad to get down there.

I want to go home. I like being blissfully ignorant and talking to him and thinking everything is A-OK. I don't like coming here and feeling the emptiness of the house and seeing him struggle. I wonder at this point if he's just struggling to stay alive to spare John, Jeff, Dave, and I anymore loss so soon.

And then, in the midst of all of this, it is Memorial Day weekend. A time to remember those who are no longer here, and especially those who served and lost their lives in combat. I haven't seen John since December. Being here reminded me once again how painfully broken he is. He has Schuyler's stuff (medals, awards, etc) in one spot now. The room is a beautiful tribute, but also a harsh reminder of that loss. Seeing everything and seeing the pain in John's eyes pulls up memories and snips of time during those days and weeks after Schuyler's death. I watch Amber struggle to keep Sky's memory alive and make sure nobody in Kewanee forgets. I see John tear up as he sees the flags, medals, pins, and countless other military memorabilia.

I went to the cemetery while I was in Kewanee. It was just Avery and I. We went and I sat on Sky's bench. It's still a shrine of sorts...people leave all kinds of stuff there...there were sunglasses, quarters, fishing lures, etc. I wonder what he'd be like now...would he be thinking about going back for a 3rd tour, or would he be settling into some semblance of a normal life?

Loss....

That's what I feel on this visit.

Loss....

I love my family and I'm so glad that I can come and visit, but this one has been difficult. I feel the losses so more acutely when I'm here, surrounded by the constant reminders. I feel the losses daily at home, but the feelings are so much more intense and the memories flashing through my mind so much more vivid being here.

This trip has reaffirmed what I've thought all along since Schuyler died...

...nothing will ever be the same...

Calm.......

I should be at the gym working out....

I should be doing some laundry or cleaning the house....

I should be doing something productive....

But instead, I'm sitting on the deck, just-finished coffee cup at my side, enjoying the calm.

It's so incredibly beautiful back here. The sunbeams are peeking through the branches, the blue sky is a beautiful contrast to the green leaves. I can hear birds chirping and squirrels playing in the trees. A light breeze shimmers through and rustles the foliage. The flowers back here are vibrant...pinks, greens, purple, white...

It's CALM.

I wish a photo could capture how beautiful it looks back here with the sun peeking through the breaks in the trees. But for now I will just ignore life and sit here and enjoy the calm. There will be time for laundry, errands, household chores and LIFE later...right now if a tiny piece of calm in the sea of chaos, so I'm going to enjoy it while I can!

When a moment of calm sneaks up on you this weekend, go with it...enjoy that calm. There's plenty of time for chaos later....

Enjoy the calm.

Mother's Day

Leading up to and including today I have been a bit quiet. I've been quiet because internally I've been trying to figure out how to have Mother's Day since I don't have a mother any longer. My Mom, Joan, died suddenly on July 4, 2009. I have been reflecting on our relationship and mostly thinking about all the ways I didn't treat her right. I've been thinking about regrets and missed opportunities...about how unconditional love means accepting the good AND bad points of someone...about how I'd really like just one more day...one more half day even...to tell her how much I love her and how much I looked up to her, even when I was criticizing her or rolling my eyes at her in that "Oh, there goes Mom again" way.

Don't get me wrong...I did not have a BAD relationship with my Mom. We talked almost every day on the phone. Man, I miss that! She listened to everything, no matter how trivial the issue was...she listened. She knew I needed to get it off my chest. Blogging has somewhat filled that void for me. I can sit down and type it out. Toss in a little of my snarky humor and suddenly I feel a little better...not as good as talking to Mom for an hour, but therapeutic nonetheless.

My Mom was there for me when I had Drake and again when I delivered Avery. She was so awesome, especially when I had Drake. I worried that she'd be too helpful....you know, taking the baby from me, telling me what to do, offering advice whether I wanted it or not. As it turned out, taking my Mom home to Dad was upsetting for BOTH Jeff and I! She was awesome and we wanted to keep her forever! She cooked, cleaned, did laundry. She offered help with the baby only when asked...hell, sometimes I had to BEG her to weigh in with her opinion of what I should or should not do! It was so uncharacteristically her...but she stood back, helped with the household tasks, and let me learn how to be a Mom all on my own. Looking back on those few weeks today I think about Avery becoming a Mom someday. I hope and pray that I can be as absolutely invaluable to Avery as my Mom was to me upon the birth of my first child. She was simply awesome.

My Mom and I had a pretty typical relationship I think. We had some seriously rocky times. Teenage years were no fun for her, I can only imagine. I was a little bitch and I took out my frustration on her so many times. Thank God she never punched me in the mouth...when in fact I'm sure she wanted to and I would've totally deserved it! In my 20's I started to realize that she really wasn't all that bad! She actually knew a thing or two and wasn't horrible to hang out with. She talked me through some cooking disasters and helped me out with recipes over the phone on several occasions. She taught so much by example. It makes me wonder what my kids are picking up from me...ugh...probably better to NOT think about that right now!

My family is a verbal family...we're also huggers. We always say "I Love You". I really hope she knew how much I loved her. The past year had been a bit rocky. I had been pretty vocal about my lack of love for her love of vodka. She was pretty vocal about not really caring for my opinion on the topic. That disagreement hung over us like a black cloud for many months. At the time I felt like I loved her enough to draw my line in the sand and that she loved me enough to stop and come on over to my side again. Unfortunately it didn't work out that way and from then on every time I saw her have even one drink I got stressed out. Looking back now I feel like it was silly for me to waste so much time on something I should've KNOWN I would have no control over. Control what YOU can control, I heard recently. So very true. I couldn't control whether or not she had another drink, but I sure could've controlled my reaction to her drinking. Hindsight is 20/20. I hope she knew that I loved her way more than a silly argument and that I'd give anything to have her back, even if just for one more day.

I think about my kids and her and so many emotions stir around. Drake will remember her, without a doubt. She loved both of my kids like mad, but Drake was special for her...she loved him from the minute Jeff and I called to say we were having a baby! He will remember her and remember specific things they did. That's a great thing. Avery, on the other hand, I'm afraid will forget her. Just the other day Avery said to me "Hey Mom, remember the grandma that used to be at Patch's house....what happened to her?". Aves calls my Dad "Patch". Her question about broke my heart....she remembers her now, but what about as time passes....will she remember? Maybe not. That makes me so sad. I'll have to do what I can to keep her memory alive in Avery and Drake. I want them to remember how incredibly much she loved them and how much happiness they brought to her life.

Last year at this time our region suffered a horrible storm. After spending one night with no power Jeff and I decided to load up the kids and drive up to see my folks...we figured we would be without power for a while so we'd just take off. We got up there Saturday of Mother's Day weekend. My brother John and his family were there, as was Amber and her crew. We spent a fun weekend, but after getting the call from a neighbor that our power was back on, Jeff and I decided that we'd head home on Sunday and begin the cleanup. My Mom was so bummed...she was counting on us staying for half of the week at least! She was so sad, yet the only thing I could think of was to get back home and start cleaning up. How stupid! One more day wouldn't have made much difference with the house, but it would've been one more day with her. There I go with that awesome hindsight again.

We went for breakfast at the fire station. That's what she wanted to do, so we went there. We drove separately so that we could get on the road right after eating. I remember how sad her face was that morning as we stood on the sidewalk saying our "Goodbyes". I remember being a little irritated with her for trying to guilt us into staying. Didn't she know how busy we were going to be...we NEEDED to get home. I hope she knew that we weren't rushing away from her but rushing back to a big mess that had to be dealt with. If given the chance now I'd stay Sunday...and probably even Monday and Tuesday too.

I wish I would've gotten there on July 4th before she slipped away. I wish I could've looked her in the eyes one more time and tell her THANKS. Tell her that even when I was mad at her, I still loved her....tell her that I learned so much from her and that now when I do something and it reminds me of her I smile...because a part of her is living on in me. I miss her so much and there is a huge hole in my heart. At 37 I was too young to lose my Mom, but then I think I'd probably say the same at 47, 57, and even 67!

To anyone reading this, if your Mom is alive, please take a minute to tell her that you love her and tell her that even if you don't agree on everything it doesn't mean that you love her any less. Tell her the things she's taught you and tell her how even some stuff that you thought irritating now make you smile when you find yourself doing the same thing! Tell her that you love her and that you're sorry for hurting her in the past.

I hope there's really a Heaven, and I hope that my Mom meets up with Schuyler on occasion and looks in on us. I hope they both know that they are missed and loved each and every day. I hope they can see that we're all doing the best we can, which some days isn't really all that good. I hope they can see us, even stand by us at times. I hope they see the happy days and the bad days...not to make them sad, but to remind them that their absence has left an irreparable hole in our family fabric. I hope she knows that she left behind 4 "kids" that think of her every day and think that she did a pretty damned good job of being our Mom.

Bits & Pieces of Me.....III

Spring...



Ah, Spring, how I love thee! I am currently sitting in the back yard, in the sun, kids playing on the trampoline, and enjoying the sunshine. I should be cleaning out a flower bed (or two, or three...) but instead I'm just soaking up the moment. The girls are laughing and playing and I'm pretty convinced that it just doesn't get much better than this!



Parents...



My Dad has left California and is headed back to Illinois. He had a hospital stay while he was out there and that really got me thinking...when Dad dies, that's it. We no longer have parents. Our parents are gone, so WE are the "old" generation. That really freaks me out. I am so thankful that Dad was with Jeff and Jim this winter. It was a long, cold, and dreary winter here (even worse where he lives) and I'm afraid he may have not made it through had he been alone at the house for the duration of winter. I'm worried about him as he travels across the country to here, but I will try to keep my calls to his cell phone to a minimum...only one or two per day! I'm sure he'll be careful and pay attention to his health, but he is after all almost 80, and it's scary knowing he's out there on the road.



Happiness in the Face of Sadness...



Happiness isn't always easy. I have a lot to be happy about, but some days it's really a conscious effort to choose that happiness and not get sucked down by the grief and general anger at how the last 14 months have been. I'm so glad and grateful that I have the people around me that I do...they have helped me choose happiness in the face of sadness. They give me purpose to get up and go for another day.



Vacation...



Jeff and I are talking about taking a vacation this summer. I can't imagine that we can leave the kids...my folks are no longer available to be our week-long childcare so that we can sneak away. This year is a biggie....15 year anniversary. For our 10th we went off to Jamaica...no kids, no worries. We're trying to figure out what to do, where to go. I think a place that has kids programs that we can utilize would be a great idea. Does anyone have any suggestions? I hate to miss that fun, 15 year anniversary trip, but we're having a hard time coming to a decision.

Quiet Time...

I really enjoy the time at night after the kids go to bed and before I turn in. Usually I'm trying to get some work done that didn't get finished during the day, but sometimes just the quiet is so very enjoyable! It seems that the days are so LOUD here so that quiet time is peaceful and calming. Don't get me wrong...I like the loudness of the kids, the dog, the phone, etc MOST days...but on occasion it just rattles my nerves. (Today is one of those days...nerves rattled) I'm also in the middle of another book on my Kindle. I'm reading "The Gurnsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Societ" or some such...it's an entertaining book and I am enjoying it. Thank God our lives are so different from this. It's nice to sit back and lose myself in a book every now and then.

I find it enjoyable to sit and just be....

Fit By Forty

Many of you are following my progress on this through my "Bloggin The Bugg" blog, but for those who aren't...here's the down low....I have lost 23 pounds since 1/15/10. I am working out and eating right. I've tried magic beans before and they didn't work too well for me. Things are going really well...I am even getting up a little earlier each morning and taking the dog for an am walk...it gets my metabolism going and also prevents me from sacking in! I also work out at a gym and have a trainer that works with me once per week. I feel a great sense of accomplishment and pride in my progress thus far. I'm sure some folks are getting sick of hearing about it, but too bad! I guess you'd better walk away if you're done hearing about it from me! I feel so much better...stronger and healthier. I can't wait to see what the next few months bring. I am going to begin adding in more weight training so the weight may not come off as quickly, but I really need to tone up as I go so that I don't end up a sagging bag of flesh! Muscle weighs more than fat, so as I build muscle and lose fat the scale may not move as quickly, but that's OK. Once I'm done with the Biggest Loser competition at my gym I'm going to phase into more of the weight training with cardio for the long term goals.

Signing off....

Well, that's all of the bits that are rolling off of my head right now. I hope everyone is doing well, staying happy, and getting out to enjoy the sunshine now that it has returned. Go smell the daffodils.....life is too short not to!

Lori

Back at it...

I'm baaaaaaack. Did anyone miss me? Probably not, but it feels good to get back into all of those "normal" things, so I'm back to blogging. Interestingly enough, blogging was not the first "normal" activity I got back to...going to the gym was. Hmmmm...who am I and what has invaded my body? Ha ha...

OK, so what am I typing about today? I think FUN is a good topic.

So, what has been FUN in my life recently?

Well, the stomach flu was NOT FUN, so we're going to let that dead dog lie.

But, soon after the dreaded stomach flu came NICE SPRING-LIKE weather....oh, yeah...that was FUN people! A few of my favorite things of spring...

• Seeing the crocus and daffodils peeking through the ground, and finally stretching up to shine their amazingly vibrant colors
• The smell of fresh mulch...mmmmmmm
• GREEN grass
• Flower garden planning...what to plant, what to move, etc!

I love getting outside with the kids...they can play while I work on cleaning out a flower bed. We did a lot of that last week. They play, I cut, dig, and haul off. The pleasant surprise this year is that as I'm working I'm feeling fine...no out of breath, let's just go in and lay on the couch feelings for me this spring.

I love finding little garden surprises...like the pansies that came back and were blooming on the side deck, or the vinca vine that is coming back in the deck boxes.

I love cutting back the rose bushes, knowing that they're going to be filled with beautiful blooms soon and that we'll have months and months to enjoy their beauty.

I love getting the deck cleaned up, deck furniture cleaned up and ready to go...it's almost time for evenings on the deck while the kids play in the backyard...joy of joys!

And, when the weather outside is too spring showery, fun inside will just have to do, right? Lately fun inside has been Wii Just Dance. It's the first game that I've REALLY enjoyed other than Wii Fit/Plus. Avery thinks it's totally cool...Drake isn't sure about it, but Mom knows that his dislike stems from the fact that MOM beats him every time! The kid just can't take a beat-down from his old Mom!

In general I think the anticipation of Spring is fun...there's so much to look forward to. A fun filled summer, flowers and vegetables growing, the return of the Farmer's Market, evenings outside by the fire pit, flashlight tag, neighborhood bbqs, days and nights at the neighborhood beach, planting new things, riding bikes, taking walks after dinner, fun family times, the return of the snowbird grandparents, cool breezes at night, watching the tree canopy in the back return and shut us out from the outside world....so very much to look forward to!

But, alas, 'tis not all fun and games in the real world. There's a mountain of laundry calling my name (or is that one of the kids?)...well, either way, it's time to get back to work so that I can enjoy some more fun later today. Have a great day everyone and an equally wonderful week ahead of you!

Lori

Me = MIA

Sorry that I've been MIA for a while...I WILL return! The stomach flu came to visit our house over Spring Break. It was uninvited and unannounced, so we're asking it to leave today.

I am trying to get back to normal around here, so Monday...the blogging resumes.

Have a great weekend!

Lori